First romantic relationships

Does my teenager understand the concept of consent? What definition of sexual consent do they have? Does my teenager have questions about consent? By definition, consent is agreeing to an action, an act. In the context of sexuality, consent is therefore linked to any sexual activity. It’s a “yes” that is voluntary, freely given, without constraint or threat, that is informed as well as enthusiastic. It means that you’re comfortable and want what is happening, that there is good communication with your partner, that you’re free to stop when you want, that the partners are equal and have the same rights. Several tools are available to support your discussions about consent:

Video on tea and consent (a classic!) Comprehensive, legal information on consent (Éducaloi)

How do you know if you want (or don’t want) to do something? How do you know if something isn’t right for you? How do you know when you’re really ready to try new things? When you’re not comfortable in a situation, you feel it, you have an internal warning bell that lets you know. You want to be somewhere else, you feel uneasy, tense, etc. The opposite is also true: when you want something, you feel it deep inside, you don’t have any doubts, you feel good, and you feel free. Trusting your teenager when it comes to asserting themselves and not thinking that they’ll agree to do everything without question or without sharing their opinion allows your teenager to feel confident in their choices. It’s very gratifying for a teenager to feel that their caregiver/significant adult trusts them. It’s imperative to insist on the importance of realizing how they feel in a situation, and to tell their partner, without embarrassment or taboo. You can ask your teenager to tell you about a situation that made them uncomfortable. After their story, you can ask questions to find out what made them understand that they were uncomfortable: what were the signs, how did they feel in their body, in their head, in their emotions?

What does it mean to go at your own pace? Does my teenager understand this concept? How can you really respect someone else’s pace? It can be important to broach this topic with a teenager, even before they have romantic or sexual experiences. During adolescence, some teenagers may compare themselves to their friends and those around them and want to be at the same stage as them. Teenagers also tend to believe that everyone else has more experience than them (when we know this isn’t the case!). From a very young age, it is therefore essential to share the importance of listening to themselves despite outside influences. If I was alone on a desert island and I had no one to compare myself to, what would I do? What would really be right for me? This conversation is a great opportunity to make them think about what stage they’re at in their relationship.

Some teenagers may view pornography and use it as a way to get information about sex. Pornography can spark their curiosity. Most teenagers know that what they’re seeing in pornography isn’t representative of reality, but what do they really understand? It’s important to remind them that in pornography, there are several elements that don’t reflect reality. For example, the partners become aroused in a few seconds and don’t always take the time to look at or talk to each other. Also, the bodies featured in pornography don’t represent the body diversity present in society. Listening, respect of the other person, and sexual equality are also not always depicted. Pornography may create performance anxiety in teenagers and also influence their perceptions and behaviour during sexual activity. It’s not necessarily easy to discuss pornography with your teenager. Without asking your teenager about their personal use of pornography, if that is the case, it’s important to mention the impacts of pornography, in particular during their first sexual experiences. During first sexual experiences, it’s normal to take the time to talk with your partner, to be nervous, to not try penetration right away, to ask your partner what and how they’re feeling, etc. All these elements are often absent in pornography.

There are several motivations to engage in sexual activity, alone or with someone else. Sexual pleasure, the desire to show your feelings for another person with your body, to explore sensations and share them with someone who is important to you are common motivations, especially among teenagers. It’s important to inform teenagers about the risks related to sexuality, the possibility of unwanted pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, but sexuality is first and foremost a source of pleasure and a positive thing: this is also an important message to communicate. Of course, some first experiences can be a combination of stress, discomfort and pain for some people, but there should still be pleasure in engaging in sexual activity. To each their own pace and practices, as long as desire, pleasure and respect between partners are present.

This doesn’t only mean having tried penetration, since sexuality is much broader than simply this activity. In fact, this is a “myth” that may be important to debunk with teenagers because yes, “only” engaging in foreplay is also having sexual experiences. Sex isn’t limited to penetration; it encompasses a set of sexual activities and various exchanges. Penetration is often a step that is a source of worry for teenagers, like it’s the final step that absolutely has to be achieved. It’s important to know that sex is defined as any sexual contact between two partners, such as caressing, kissing, touching, mutual masturbation, oral sex, etc. Consequently, being sexually active means many things! We can’t stress this enough: to each their own pace, practices, and desires!